How to Respond to the Words "Me Too"

by Michael Marchand | Oct 17, 2017 | Culture, Featured, Front Page, Inspiration, Top | 4 comments

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Chances are your social media feeds are flooded with two words this week: Me too.

Those two words have taken on a new meaning. And many of us, myself included, are left wondering how to respond.

I humbly offer these three suggestions. If you have more, please share them in the comments below.

WE NEED TO BE HEARTBROKEN

It's heartbreaking for me to see how many of my friends and family members have been a victim of sexual assault. Though I've heard stories from those close to me, it's absolutely eye-opening to see just how big of an impact this depravity has had on our world. This heartbreak reminds me of Nehemiah.

When Nehemiah heard about the pain, destruction, and desperation in Jerusalem, his heart broke. Scripture says that he "began to weep and continued mourning for several days, fasting and praying before the God of heaven" (Nehemiah 1:4).

If you know the story, you know that Nehemiah does more than just weep, mourn and pray – but it's important to realize he does do those things. And not just for a few days (the words "for several days" in verse 4 are misleading). Nehemiah weeps, mourns, fasts, and prays for FOUR MONTHS.

I'm a problem solver. When I see a problem (and this is a HUGE problem), I want to fix it. But before we can do that, we have to spend time weeping with those who have been hurt, listening to their stories, and praying with them.

WE NEED TO BE INSPIRED

As much as I'm heartbroken by them, I am even more inspired by the flood of "Me too." posts. Inspired by the courage it takes to step out and be vulnerable. Inspired by the willingness to put it on the line to support other victims who are too afraid or otherwise unable to stand up. You are giving voice to the voiceless, and putting the spotlight on a problem society has ignored (at best) or tried to hide.

Please continue to do so. Continue to be strong. Continue to be vocal. Continue to inspire.

Rather than highlight the individual stories that have filled my feed this week (and I would never be able to include them all), I thought I would do something slightly different in an effort to provide inspiration.

If you've been a victim of sexual assault, you are not alone. Not today, not ever.

Nothing speaks to that like looking back at the stories of our Saints. Inspired by a Facebook post from Veronica Arnold Smither, here's a just a few of the saints who could have said "Me too."

St. Maria Goretti
In 1902 (when Maria was only 11), her neighbor, Alessandro, attempted to make her CONSENT to being raped (as if that's even possible) and after she refused, he stabbed her fourteen times. While on her deathbed just a few days later, she said, "I want Alessandro Serenelli with me in heaven forever." Alessandro converted while in prison and (once released) went to her mother's house to beg forgiveness! He later entered a monastery and was present at St. Maria Goretti's canonization.

St. Rita of Cascia
At the end of the 14th Century, Rita was forced into a marriage at age 18. Her husband was a violent and abusive man. Despite his constant abuse and infidelity, Rita was stuck. As is true for many woman, she had no independent resources and soon had two kids. Rita put up with her husbands abuse for the love of her sons. After the death of her husband, she joined an Augustinian community of religious sisters.

St. Agatha
Early in her life, Agatha became a consecrated virgin. Agatha's decision didn't keep the men at bay. Men like Quintianus (a high ranking official) thought they could force her to turn away from her vow. When Agatha rejected Quintianus's persistent and aggressive marriage proposals, he had her arrested and brought before the judge – himself. After failing to blackmail Agatha into sex in exchange for not imprisoning her for being a Christian (illegal at the time), he imprisoned her in a brothel. Agatha refused to accept customers – despite constant and aggressive abuse. Still refusing to renounce Christ, she was sent to prison where she was brutally tortured and mutilated. Her faith remained constant until her death around the year 251.

St. Thomas Aquinas
In 13th Century Italy, Thomas faced strong pressure from his family to "man up" – especially when they found out he wanted to become a priest. So much so, that his family locked him in a room with a prostitute in an effort to make him into a "real man" and dissuade him from becoming a priest. They failed.

WE NEED TO TAKE ACTION

If all that comes from the "Me too" movement is heartbreak and inspiration, then we haven't really heard the cries of those who have survived their abuse. There is so much to be done that it's easy to be overwhelmed by the problem and do nothing. Rather than attempt to draft a complete solution, here are just a few simple ideas for ways to take action and take a stand against sexual abuse.

Open your eyes.
Sexual abuse happens everyday in communities, schools, churches and workplaces around the world, but most of us don't see it or choose to ignore it. Starting today, be intentional about watching for signs of sexual abuse – even in the places where you'd least expect it.

Open your ears.
This campaign has given a voice to a problem a lot of people didn't realize was there. It's been effective, but it's a shame that it took this long for these stories to be heard. Starting today, create a safe space where young people can share their stories, their hurt, their pain. Don't just try to solve their problems, take the time to listen first.

Open your heart.
People are hurting. Whether the pain is new or old, they're hurting. We all need to be loved unconditionally, but that is especially true for people who have been abused, neglected or assaulted. Starting today, go out of your way to let the people in your life (and in your ministry) know that they are loved.

Open your mouth.
Sexual abuse flourishes in the silence – in the dark. It's easy to ignore when no one talks about it, so we need to do the opposite. Starting today, publicly speak out against abuse. Take a stand and challenge those around you to do the same.

Mother Mary, protector of women, pray for us.
St. Agatha, patron saint of rape victims, pray for us.
St. Maria Goretti, patron saint of purity, pray for us.

Michael Marchand

Michael is a Catholic evangelist, author and speaker.

After spending 11 years as a parish youth minister, Michael left parish ministry to work full-time with ProjectYM (a ministry he cofounded a few years earlier).

Michael's resume also includes preaching gigs at events and conferences around the world, a Catholic theology degree, authoring a book on Catholic evangelization, years of training and consulting with parish/diocesan leaders on technology and social media, countless online projects, and the founding of 2 ProjectYM mission bases: one in Uganda and one in Chattanooga, TN.

Michael is blessed to be part of an amazing missionary family. Michael, his beautiful wife (Crystal) and three kids recently settled in Chattanooga to serve the local Church there.

Nora Bradbury-Haehl

Michael I love this response and the compassion and thoughtfulness behind it.I love the idea of taking time, of being heart broken and listening, of not rushing to solutions. . I want to offer a caution to anyone who wants to use the stories of the saints to offer solace to those who’ve experienced sexual violence. You’ll notice how in each of these stories it appears that the victims somehow resisted. There was attempted sexual violence but it was deflected and only physical violence resulted. That the patron saint of purity and the patron saint of rape were just near misses and unlike the millions of women (and men and children) who have been assaulted, they miraculously were able to fend off their attackers and “only” be murdered or beaten. When these are the people we hold up as comfort, models who while admirable and heroic, purportedly experienced only attempted rape it creates BIG problems for survivors of assault. Where is the person with my story? Where is the victim of incest? How do I survive and become a saint after my neighbor/uncle/boss rapes me and threatens me if I tell? Where is that model?

The way that we tell Maria Goretti’s story is often triggering, especially for young women who have been abused. Sometimes the way the story is told makes it seem better that she was murdered than raped (your telling does not do that, thank you!) To hold up an 11 year old victim of violence, and then glorify that she almost instantly forgave her attacker causes problems for survivors. The fact that her attacker was close to her family and sheltered by them afterwards, while perhaps virtuous, is also the story of so many survivors whose families chose the rapist over the raped. Forgiveness may be where the mature, healed survivor ends up, but that is not who we deal with in ministry. We are often the first raw telling, the person to whom a story is revealed as a test, will I be believed or blamed? Released or rejected? Until we can raise up saints who were raped, until we can separate talk of ‘purity’ from talk of assault, it may be best to leave the saints out of the discussion.
- Michael Marchand
  
  Nora – Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts (and for putting them so succinctly).
  
  I’m going to take some time to think and pray about your feedback.
  
  I’d also love to invite other folks reading this post to throw in your thoughts on Nora’s point.
  - Nora Bradbury-Haehl
    
    I want to say thank you again for the article and for having the courage to step into this tricky territory Michael! It’s not easy and your support means so much!!!
    
    Here’s a different approach to lifting up a patron saint for survivors https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/07/patron-saint-abuse-victim_n_4556142.html
Bob Ferretti

Thanks Michael. I read your article here a couple weeks ago and it definitely put a bug in me to write to my group (teens and parents). It is so important to be out front with this issue. i took a little bit of a different tack sticking with some strong women from the gospel stories. I also challenged our teens to stand up for each other. I also made the response from “me” and not from the church.

I understand Nora’s concerns – and they are extremely valid. That said, it is very important that we don’t shy away from honest and open discussion. This is an issue that demands discussion – and there is no one perfect way to confront it, discuss it or solve it.

It’s a tightrope we are walking either way. We can’t ignore it (even if that would be the easy thing to do) and we certainly can’t solve it ourselves. But we can be part of the solution. Anyway, here’s my letter to my high schoolers and their parents:

An open letter to all the women in my life
“Me too” – two simple words that have taken the internet by storm. It may seem a bit presumptuous of me to be writing about this as a 50+ year old white guy so I want to get this out there right at the start. The toll that women have paid over the course of the last 10, 100, 1,000, years can no longer be tolerated. Shouldn’t have been tolerated EVER but we can’t change the past. Learn from it, yes. We can, from this moment on, change our present, we can change ourselves.

The stories that women are sharing are heartbreaking. It’s not just the ‘famous’ that are sharing their stories. If anything good comes out of this “Me too” movement (and I hope there is a lot of good to come out of it), it is that women who have come forward will never feel like they have to stay quiet.

I have been blessed to have been surrounded by strong women my whole life – raised by one, married to one. Today, I am surrounded by strong women at home, at work and as members of our high school youth group. Many who, I am sure, could add their “Me too” to the chorus being shouted out. And that is sad.

In our Catholic tradition, we have had wonderful examples of strong women. We have to look no further than Mary, the mother of Jesus. As a young girl she took on an awesome responsibility. What must it have been like for her, young and pregnant? Would she have been able to add her “me too” to the chorus?

What about the woman with the hemorrhage who had been shunned? She certainly had her “me too” moments. She had “endured much” in her life yet she was resolute enough to reach out and grab Jesus’ cloak. What a tremendous feeling it would have been to hear these words of Jesus – “Daughter, your faith has made you well.” Speak out, reach out, stand out, believe. (Mark 5:25-34)

None of us are perfect – but Jesus doesn’t expect perfection from us. All he wants is for us to put our faith in him. When Jesus was invited by a group of Pharisees to have dinner with him, he joined them. As a guest, the expectation was that the host (the Pharisees) would provide the ability to wash his hands and feet (don’t forget, even walking around town was dirty work). They didn’t. But a woman, known to be a ‘sinner’ did. She found out where Jesus was and washed his feet. This woman had a life of “me too”. She had a reputation as a prostitute. How strong a woman did she need to be to enter the ‘lion’s den’ of Pharisees (think of them as church lawyers) and throw herself at the feet of Jesus? Should we do any less? (Luke 7:36-50)

To you – the women in my life – please know that I know you have power. If you have experienced times in your life where you’ve had a “me too” moment – a time when you’ve been shamed, abused, or mistreated, stand up. Stand together. Allow us to stand with you. And remember that even when you feel alone, you are NOT alone.

To all the men reading this. Man-up. Act like God created you. Live your life as one that honors Him – and that means by honoring everyone. Maybe you can be a little more cognizant of the women in your life (young and old) and go out of your way to love, honor and respect them.

Peace my friends,

Bob