Is THIS Christian???
Why did God become man? God could have stopped Adam and Eve from sinning. He could have let us live in our sin after Adam. He could have saved us just by decree. But none of these seem proper.
St Anselm’s Cur Deus Homo (Why God became man) is a classic for answering this question. We have offended God beyond what we can repay. God has the power to repay it but it is proper that man repay it thus the incarnation. Why is it proper for man to repay it? Because he was the one who offended God.
The core of Anselm’s argument is that actions have consequences. The core of overprotective parenting is to protect teens from the consequences of their actions.
If our sin did not have any consequences, Christ would not have needed to die on the cross. He may have become man to teach us but not to die. This is one of the most central tenants of our Faith yet it is denied by overprotective parenting.
Over protective parenting is unchristian in 3 more ways.
First, an overprotective parent will yell at a teacher who fails Johnny or coach who never plays him. They will manipulate and use offensive language to get their way. This teaches kids that we can use such means. In a way it teaches them that the ends justify the means. (And the means are actually bad for the kid as shown above.)
Second, overprotective parenting – when involving getting favors from others – teaches kids a distinction between people where we protect our clan but we don’t care about anyone else. Yet part of the Christian revolution to the world is universal brotherhood. The ancient world practiced “love your family and hate your enemies,” yet Jesus said “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
Finally, a Christian is called by baptism to be a missionary. This is impossible for a child who receives over-protective parenting. The fear of everything outside their circle probably even keeps them from being a missionary as an adult.
If we want teens to be missionaries, to learn that all men are their brothers, to realize means don’t justify ends, and to realize why Christ died; overprotective parenting needs to stop. Sure they will fall once or twice. Those falls teach them something. A knee can be bandaged but a soul only has one chance to learn and one chance to mature. If it doesn’t involve mortal sin, broken bones, or thousands of dollars of property damage, we need to let teens fall. The lesson they learn from the natural consequences will be more valuable than the painful consequences.
Note: under-protective parenting can also be unchristian but I focused on overprotective parenting because the reasons are less obvious and it’s more prevalent from what I’v seen (Statistics such as 83% of parents insist on supervising their children when playing outside confirm what I’ve seen.)
This is very true. How did we parents ‘learn’ when we were kids? From our mistakes. Great post, Father! Some of life’s most important lessons for our kids comes from the things they have done wrong. Hopefully they also have firm, wise, and compassionate parents to help them sort though the mess. 🙂
Reverend and Dear Fr. Schneider,
I would add another reason to your list, though I don’t know if I would say this reason is un-Christian. Children learn things by trying and making mistakes, even trying and failing. When parents are present during a youth activity, sometimes the parents don’t want to let their children fail, and so hampering their children’s ability to learn.
Excellent addition. Thanks.
Whew. From the title I was a little nervous. But by your definition, I am relieved to read that I am not an overprotective parent. The world would consider me overprotective because we did shelter our children from violence and garbage on TV and a material mindset. But not from painful consequences. Nor did we raise our them to fear everything outside our circle and they are all awesome young adults now. True missionaries in the world. Your article was great til I got to that little note at the end. In the context of sheltering children from the consequences of their actions, overprotective parents are more common than underprotective. However, I would say that at least as many parents are under-protective with regards to protecting children from negative influences in our culture, on TV and the Internet. Children are desensitized today and don’t think twice seeing something that no parent would EVER have let their child see just a few decades ago.
Thank you. Obviously I was focusing on overprotective parents regarding protecting them from failure. I think you’re right that work regard to media consumption more parents are under-protective not overprotective.
btw, I should have added…Our kids are totally awesome people, not because of our parenting, but because one of our most common prayer was for God to protect them from our mistakes. I am not surprised that this blog has received so many comments. Most parents are passionate about parenting 🙂 Thank you for the thought provoking conversation.
Father, these days, the world and our culture (USA) is NOT what it was when I was growing up. I’m not sure that there IS such a thing as “over”-parenting. If so, it happens so little, I’d rather think there is an epidemic of parental SELFISHNESS that leads to delinquency in off-spring. I also think there should be a critical distinction that should be interjected into the conversation, between an “over” protective parent and a healthy home environment where a child can truly develop a sense of right vs. wrong, a place of moral FORMATION. Consider this: there are reasons why young men enter into Seminaries in order to FOSTER their vocation. They are tucked-away . . . engaged, but ONLY on their terms as they develop their relationship with God. Or this: have you ever thought about the term “Preserves” as it relates to our jams and jellies? Those delicious treasures sitting in on the pantry shelves that we spread over toast and come in flavors like strawberry, fig, and blackberry are “set apart”, “preserved” away from corrupting influences so that they can be kept sound and fill a need at the proper time. I agree that our children should have some limited exposure to the “world” in order to develop an immunity to it – kind of like immunizations, little bits of live virus that are meant to allow them to develop a “tolerance”, with a healthy revulsion to more. Finally, there are no set rules regarding what an “ideal” parent should be and, as WE parent, I find the best way forward is to BE parented by Holy Mother Church. We cannot give to our children what we don’t OWN as parents. 🙂
As I noted in response to a comment above, there are two things described as overprotective parenting: protecting from moral problems and protecting from failure (scraped knees, bad marks on tests, etc.). In my blog I was referring to the 2nd meaning not the first.
I’ll need to write some other time about the 1st meaning.
Father, thanks for responding – this is covered in my second point, as a
“pre-condition” to letting children scrape their knees, as you
illustrate. There are a lot of very serious troubles that children are
being exposed to in our current culture at an earlier and earlier age.
Point is, even little “scrapes” these days, can cost kids their futures,
or the very lives. I say inoculate and inoculate well. Give them just
enough of a taste of the ways of the world to let them see full-well
both how dangerous and self-destructive certain “norms” in society are –
not to say that we push them down the path of corruption, rather, we
give them a proper and enlightened understanding about the intrinsic
value of their soul, the integrity of their name and reputation and the
over-whelming love that God has for them, as a BASE LINE. From there,
they can be “inoculated” against many of the world’s wiles.
Unless the risk is mortal sin, broken bones or major property damage, often letting kids fail teaches them more than protecting them from it.
I think there are also 2 meanings of world – both present back from St Paul – creation where salvation is worked out, and the domain of evil. Parents in general need to protect parents from the second but kids learn a lot encountering the first.
1. If they scrape their knee and bruise their thigh, they learn the consequences of climbing trees and falling out of them better than 100 lectures from mom on such dangers. If mom never lets them climb a tree for fear they’ll fall, then they never learn the consequences of actions which is essential for a Christian worldview.
2. We Christians are meant to live in the world (creation) so that it can be full of Christ and the world (evil) has less domain. Kids need to be protected somewhat from the world (evil) but they need to learn how to confront it too. Christianity is not a religion for elites hidden in their castles but a faith that must be spread to every corner of the world.
Father, no doubt it is a calling to be “sent out” as a disciple of
Christ. It is also His Divine Prerogative to call men and women
religious to the confines of the Monastic, contemplative and hermetic
life; the contributions of which to, especially Western Culture, cannot
be ignored. I agree with you and would ADD to what you are saying this
essential and fundamental addition. My personal Spiritual Director is a
priest for a rather small parish AND has taken vows as a hermit. It
was originally his inspiration that, at a young age, drew me into, the
life of the church and eventually to a deep and ever-deepening
relationship with Our Lord and Lady. Above all this, we must teach our
kids to pursue HOLINESS, yes, accept and “offer up” as you say, the
“cuts, bruises, and bumps” that come with “letting go” and therefore,
LETTING GOD. No doubt, I have fallen, many times, in many unexpected
and dramatic ways, but, for His goodness, I always end up landing
tenderly into His arms – He teaches me life’s lessons, those that echo
in eternity. It has been a pleasure sharing my thoughts on your take of
things – by the way, I have 5 beautiful children, all home-schooled, we
are an ENGAGED and adoring Catholic family that eats our meals in
common, prays a family rosary every evening and offers incense through
monthly novenas to the Saints, We will, no doubt, remember you in our
prayers. God Bless! Your Friend in Texas.
I agree. Just remember that contemplative life is apostolic, is being a missionary disciple. They may not be sent into the world physically but their prayers are sent out and sustain the world.
I ask a number of convents for prayers and think a lot of what seems to come from my apostolate comes from their prayers.
I tried to add some insights of my own, not sure I was entirely successful though: http://www.thefaberfamily.org/peregrinator/2014/04/exploring-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt-redux/
I enjoyed your article and agree with it, for the most part. However, when it comes to the comment about 83% of parents who insist on supervising their children while they are playing outside being overprotective, I’m sorry but I disagree. Have you seen the statistics on child kidnapping and abductions lately???? Children are not as safe playing outside as they used to be 40 to 50 years ago. When it comes to watching them play outside, that’s called “Smart Parenting.” It is foolish to believe otherwise.
I tried to find the stats and I’ll present a summary.
Kidnapping by strangers only happens about 100 times a year in the USA (515 in 1990-1995) http://news.discovery.com/human/psychology/stranger-child-abductions-actually-very-rare-130514.htm
What’s the chance then?
Given that the US population is 313 million and about 20% are 0-14 that means there are about 66 million kids in the USA. 100 abductions means about 0.00015% of kids will be abducted by strangers. For a comparison, the chance you’ll be struck by lightning this year is slightly higher at 0.0002% (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightning_strike).
On top of that The Annual report of the Center for missing children says “The vast majority of missing children are recovered quickly.” http://www.missingkids.com/en_US/publications/NC171.pdf
Two factors to consider:
1. It is much more likely a kid will be abducted by a family member (for example, the non-custodial spouse after divorce). But that has nothing to do with letting your kids walk 2 blocks to the park or not.
2. Because Stranger abductions are such big news when they happen, we think they are more common than they really are. (It is similar to worries over school shootings where they are rare but each one is major news for a week.)
In other words, when you read the real statistics, kidnapping by strangers should not be a major fear.
So, ..not only are there strangers to protect your kids from, then there’s a greater chance of family members doing the kidnapping? And registered sexual predators…and who knows? Let’s put it this way. You have some kids of your own, and let’s see if your opinion changes. Let’s see if you’re perfectly happy to sit on a sofa inside the house, while your young five year old girls are outside alone playing with no supervision. They are not only too naive to deal with strangers who may ride in their cars down the streets, or a strange teenager/predator who may ride on a bicycle near your home, but are also prone to getting into their OWN mischief, like all kids do, given the time and opportunity. So, you go ahead and leave yours outside unattended every play day, and I’ll be making sure that mine are happy and safe. When they’re older and can be more responsible, that’s a different story. Now, I’m not talking about hoovering over the children like a shadow…..that would be ridiculous. But I do feel that not supervising them would be ridiculous as well. Even at school, the teachers supervise the children at recess….for good reason. And for the record, I don’t want my kids being in that “100 per year” incidence.
Obviously there’s prudence in real dangers like if you live on a major street.
Maybe not when a kid is 5 but I remember walking 1.5 blocks to the park (or more often 2.5 blocks to my friend’s house then the 2 of us walking a block back to the park) when I was 6 or 7. By 7 or 8, I would often walk 1/2 a mile to and from school on my own. I think this was prudent parenting by my mother.
The point of this blog was to bring out the dangers where we protect our kids from every failure. If we don’t let them walk 500 yards home from school when they’re 12 out of fear, they will never learn.
Well…now that’s a different story. Okay…you are correct in saying that we cannot protect our children from every failure. That would be crippling them emotionally. They need to be able to learn how to handle certain situations on their own. By the way, you and a friend of yours walking to and from a park wouldn’t be much of a problem. Two girls walking alone should not happen before they are older, and can make better decisions….12 or 13 would be okay. And, they should be able to know that they are protected by their guardian angels and should know enough by then to TRUST God to help them, if necessary. The little ones cannot make those types of decisions. So, we need to teach our children about God as early as possible. As I am sure you know, we can live for 80 years and still find out more and more about God….it’s a learning journey. God bless you for caring about the well being of children!!
I do not know any over-protective parents, as you describe them, who are truly Christian. You are really describing secularized parenting.
Really Father? Sorry but growing up in the 60’s and 70’s was a lot different than today.
Not being ever married ( and too much is being made about being married while letting those of us who are never married rot ) I would be truly scared of raising children given what I know exists today.
Statistically the worst time was the 90s. Basically every stat has improved since then. (If you doubt this, read the 1st chapter of Frank Mercadante, Engaging a New Generation.) The world is dangerous but the right solution isn’t making sure you’re kid can never fail. I can’t elaborate the whole apron here.
Well, remember Father, I’m a bit older than you:) When I was going to school you didn’t have to worry about idiot pedophiles:)
I don’t know. A lot more was hushed up in the past. I’m not trying to do a historical analysis. My goal is to help parents and youth leaders in the situation today.
God asks us to play the best hand with the cards we’re dealt not wish for other cards.
Just relating what I remember from my own experience.
ya Joe chia I’d do spirtiual prayer like devotion to st. John
Another difficult step: if you’re in therapy for your trigger, but your therapist doesn’t think porn use is a sin, your concern about it will prick their conscience, and they will gently try to poison you with lies to assuage their own conscience. Recognize that they are LIARS and switch therapists, if necessary.
Try searching CatholicTherapist.com for one you can trust to follow Church teachings.
Before you look at porn think about this. That woman you are lusting after could be on her way to an early grave via a drug or alcohol addiction because she hates what she is doing but sees no way out of her situation.